Monday, January 17, 2011

me and my insecurities

so far you all have been reading about my life from the internship perspective. Well I am sure that most of you can imagine that there is so much more that goes into living in another country for four months than what happens at my internship site. And yes what you imagine is correct. Living in another country is hard. Especially when the person you love is back home. I hate to sound like the mushy gushy in love girlie girl but hey I pretty much am. I know that it won't last forever but right now I am starry eyed for Matthew David Fortier and I might as well enjoy it. Because I know that it will transition into a whole new kind of love I have never experienced as we continue in life together. I look forward to the hard kind of love. The love that takes work. Because then it's evident that it's worth fighting for. And so until then I will desire to be where my fiance is.

But enough about how much I miss him, it is hard here because there aren't the things in the states that usually distract you. There aren't the familiarities of life that allow you to be comfortable and hide the insecurities that are constantly waging war within your flesh. Here where you are exposed and unable to understand the people speaking around you, it is exhausting. You are constantly thinking. You are constantly processing. It is hard. All in all my insecurities are singing a broadway musical right in front of my face from the moment I wake up until the moment I lay my head back down.

But oh how grateful I am for the show they present every morning because it gets my bony little butt out of bed. It pushes me to grab my journal and bible and go sit in the little bit of silence that exists in the Dominican. This musical in front of my face makes my heart yearn for silence, for peace, for rest. My insecurities present me before the Lord asking for truth. Truth that will sing sweet hymns into my spirit. So for that I am grateful. I am thankful that I can no longer dismiss the thoughts with a distraction or with a convenience.

So I am here in the Dominican. It's me and my insecurities. I will continue to ask for truth and I will do my best because my best is enough for my God.

***here is my day from the journals I have to write for college
Today was very slow. This morning I spent time looking over my lesson plan for my first class. I was very nervous about teaching for the first time. After feeling confident about the content I went through the rest of the standards that I starting high-lighting through on Friday. I finished dividing it between fitness content and health content. Next, I spent time looking at the template format for the curriculum and brainstorming on how I was going to divide the required standards into units. I have to be honest, I didn’t really get anywhere. I have no idea how to divide it. I can find games that can work on all of the standards but I feel like PE should be more than a bunch of random games. I talked to Brock about talking through this part of the curriculum to get his opinion on how I should divide it up. I feel way out of my league.
Before I knew it, I was on my way to teach class. Oh man, Dominican students are so much harder to calm down then American. They don’t have any discipline or structure in their households and so there is no foundation to bring to school with them. Therefore instead of having one or two rowdy students you end up having all of them be rowdy. I was able to get through about half of my lesson plan. I could have got all the way through the activity I had planned but I messed up on the time and accidentally let the students out 20 minutes early. So that was a bummer but it was learning things for next time. Tomorrow or sometime this week I need to sit down and figure out how I am going to grade the students so that I will be able to give them accurate grades at the end of the semester. I feel way out of my league in this area too.
After lunch I started to research other PE programs to see how they divided up the year. This was not very successful. I only found two programs that provided that type of information. Brock and I are going to sit down and talk about this tomorrow. All in all it was a very slow day. My brain is tired and I would like to turn it off until tomorrow.

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